Pulling The Trigger

Did you see that first blog?  Hard to believe that it was almost a year ago when I first wrote that.  Here's to pulling the trigger. 


I did finally quit that job at the end of May. In two months I had lost 30 pounds.  My guess would be less stress and less eating out. Shoveling down a McDonald's Value meal prevented me from stabbing people numerous times.  Whatever the reason I'll take those 30 pounds.


Looking back I think at the time I was most worried about the financials of a one income family. Surprisingly we've done well on the front.  I'm not bragging here I'm just thankful that we've been that fortunate.  What I didn't think about enough, what I wasn't prepared for, was how I would feel not working.


I miss my relationships, my conversations, the rush I felt when everything worked out.   It took me awhile to figure it out.  I just felt off.  Not sick but not great.  Anxiety, depression, whatever you want to call it.  I call it "my crazy".  I was a mess! Ok, I'm still a mess. I'm in immediate danger of becoming one of those people who never leave the house.  I think I've always had a bit of social anxiety, I don't do bars and I don't do parties unless everybody there is related to me.  I don't enjoy meeting new people.  I think I'm nice enough but I don't make small talk.  This sometimes comes off like I'm a bitch, but I'm really not.  Standing there observing is about all I'm capable of at the moment. I haven't made a new friend in 9 years which is just plain sad!  I've met some great acquaintances, but there's a difference between a friend and acquaintance.  You know what I mean? How do you turn an acquaintance into a friend?  Hell if I know!  All my friends are "old" friends and lately I haven't been that great about seeing them. Not having that daily interaction, not forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone everyday like I had to at work did bad, bad things to my mental state of being.


I've had a good few weeks, just being aware has helped.  I've starting working out again.  Remember that 30 pounds I lost when I first quit? Well it stoped there and I've got plenty more to loose, plus it get's me out of the house. It also forces me to make small talk. Why the hell do people want to talk to you when you're all hot & sweaty?