Saturday, November 19, 2011

Just One More Level

My eight year old just breaks out in sporadic conversations like "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I walk in the door and everybody just starts coming at me and stuff." Huh? Who? Where?  I give him the look, the look that says "Kid, you're not right."  He says, "You know on my video game.."  I say, "Stop, I don't know what you're talking about and I can't help you.  He stomps off and I'm left mentally cussing my husband for starting this craziness in the first place. 

 It started young, like a little mouth Logan was attracted to the video games. Back then he was all about the lit up power button. He'd crawl his little chubby but over there and push that button. Never heard grown men whine so much in my life.  I miss those days (sigh) somehow they don't think it's cute when I do it.

I remember expressing my concerns...I don't think these games are age appropriate for him, I don't think he needs to be watching them as you play, blah, blah, blah..

Eight years later the man who started it all, his Dad, doesn't have to deal with it and I've become the "Video Game Nazi".  I've got an eight year old who lives & breathes video games...  I do try to set limits...I said an hour a day, he looked at me like I killed his dog.  I've busted him at 6:00 a.m. playing video games.  Once his Dad took the XBOX to work with him for an entire week, talk about a little crack head.  He cried, I mean sobbed.

It's a constant battle with us.  My usually even tempered, easy going guy turns into a crazed lunatic when it comes to shutting it off.  What do you think?  What is a appropriate amount of time for an eight year old to be playing?

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Lineman's Wife

It's not the easiest job being married to a lineman, probably not the hardest either.

When I look at my husband I see a man, a real man. The hours he works, day after day.  The drive he makes every week, if we're lucky, just to see his family for a day.  To provide for his family, to do something more than just slide by.

It's not easy work, it's physical and it's dirty.  Trust me I wash those clothes every week, twice!  Let's face it it's not exactly safe. No matter how safe & smart you work when you're working with electricity, cranes, giant poles, and steel structures.  Shit happens.  If that wasn't bad enough I worry about him when he's on the road, especially in the winter when he's driving through the snow storms just to see us for a night.

They've got him working 7 days right now and it makes me crazy.  Crazier.  Then BAM snow storm in the northeast! He hasn't said anything about any guys headed that way and I haven't asked.  They've got a deadline of November 8th on this job.  He's planning on taking a week off, he'll be deer hunting, but at least he'll be home every night! I love me some lineman! If he goes East I will hurt someone.

Knowing what I know now I wouldn't do anything different, but whew....I was not prepared.

It's a long standing joke with the lineman that you've got to be divorced at least once before you can become a journeyman....gee that's reassuring!  I can see why.  It takes an incredibly strong marriage to survive this.  There can be no trust issues, it won't work, this is not for you!  There's lots of lonely nights.  A storm will have an entirely different meaning to you.  It may mean that you don't get to see your husband for months.  Day where you'll be lucky if you get to have more that a five minute conversation with him.  Not because he doesn't care about your day, which is what you'll think, but because he's too exhausted and all he wants to do is get a shower, get something to eat, and get to bed. In that order. 

One of the hardest things for me is going to functions!  When he's home I attempt to drag him with me everywhere.  He just wants to relax at home.  I just want people to know I have a husband.  I told him tonight that I wasn't looking forward to doing the whole trick or treating thing by myself.  His reply?  "Oh, it's not that bad"  Uh yeah....because you're not the one who has to do it.  Sometimes it's good to have miles between us.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Pulling The Trigger

Did you see that first blog?  Hard to believe that it was almost a year ago when I first wrote that.  Here's to pulling the trigger. 

I did finally quit that job at the end of May. In two months I had lost 30 pounds.  My guess would be less stress and less eating out. Shoveling down a McDonald's Value meal prevented me from stabbing people numerous times.  Whatever the reason I'll take those 30 pounds.

Looking back I think at the time I was most worried about the financials of a one income family. Surprisingly we've done well on the front.  I'm not bragging here I'm just thankful that we've been that fortunate.  What I didn't think about enough, what I wasn't prepared for, was how I would feel not working.

I miss my relationships, my conversations, the rush I felt when everything worked out.   It took me awhile to figure it out.  I just felt off.  Not sick but not great.  Anxiety, depression, whatever you want to call it.  I call it "my crazy".  I was a mess! Ok, I'm still a mess. I'm in immediate danger of becoming one of those people who never leave the house.  I think I've always had a bit of social anxiety, I don't do bars and I don't do parties unless everybody there is related to me.  I don't enjoy meeting new people.  I think I'm nice enough but I don't make small talk.  This sometimes comes off like I'm a bitch, but I'm really not.  Standing there observing is about all I'm capable of at the moment. I haven't made a new friend in 9 years which is just plain sad!  I've met some great acquaintances, but there's a difference between a friend and acquaintance.  You know what I mean? How do you turn an acquaintance into a friend?  Hell if I know!  All my friends are "old" friends and lately I haven't been that great about seeing them. Not having that daily interaction, not forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone everyday like I had to at work did bad, bad things to my mental state of being.

I've had a good few weeks, just being aware has helped.  I've starting working out again.  Remember that 30 pounds I lost when I first quit? Well it stoped there and I've got plenty more to loose, plus it get's me out of the house. It also forces me to make small talk. Why the hell do people want to talk to you when you're all hot & sweaty? 

Here We Go

When you tell somebody you're going to quit work and stay home with your kids you get a few different reactions.   You get the people who truly get it and are genuinely happy for you and then you get the people who say absolutely nothing at all.   I get more of the later... which leaves me reaching for an explanation and an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

 There it is, the guilt, it's everywhere.  I feel guilty for working,  for not having time with my kids at night, for rushing my kids all the time, for not being better organized so I  can manage it all. I feel guilty for not working, for not bringing in the income,  for wanting something more for myself,  for my family.  You get the idea, it's just well...consuming.  I feel like I do a lot of things but I don't do any of them well.  Like a red hot mess...

I love what I do at work, I'm an office manger at a real estate office.  I do plan on keeping my real estate license active but the current situation isn't working for me and is leaving me feeling a little burnt out.  My husband is a lineman apprentice so he works out of town a lot, by a lot I mean he comes home on the weekends if he's lucky.  After three years of that arrangement I'm a little burnt out on that front too.

I didn't go into this lightly I crunched my numbers and we can make it, it may not always be pretty, but it can be done.  I'm nervous, yes, but  I hope my family will gain so much that we won't mind the cutbacks.  Sure I have dreams of birds singing, rainbows,  neat little children, a spotless home, and perfectly cooked meals but I know that's not the reality.  I know there will be days when I want to lock myself in the bathroom, and yell "Beam me up Scottie!".  There will be days when I will be starving for big people conversation.  That's why I started this blog I hope it will give me some connection to the outside world, maybe connect with other moms in my situation. 

I'm leaning as I go with this blog so it won't be pretty either, neither will my grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Yes, I feel guilty about that too.